Simply stated, conflict scripts are not for your benefit.

At least not in the modern way you might think of the term. To fully understand this concept we have to step outside our modern, safe and civilized world. Our definition of benefit, success and dysfunction have radically changed since our caveman days. And that's when these scripts have their origins.

But, before we go there, we have to acknowledge these scripts can be used and abused by an individual for his (or her) benefit -- especially in a modern context. Having said that though, we also have to point out that just because a script doesn't go your way doesn't mean that's what's happening.

While you have seen these scripts and patterns all your life, odds are that your perceptions of them arise from seeing selfish misuse. That's why this subject can be so difficult to discuss. We not only don't understand it from a bigger perspective, but the only time we really notice these behaviors is when we've seen these scripts abused. Most of the time, we are aware of these scripts as much as a fish is of the water.

So what do we mean when we say scripts aren't necessarily for your benefit?

We mean they are for what you need, not what you want. And even then they are more about preserving what everyone else needs.

Conflict scripts are specifically designed for the long-term survival of the group. Right, wrong, win or lose, these scripts give us a reliable way for the 'group' to still be there tomorrow. Why is that a 'good' thing? Because as bad as the situation might be, this behavior hasn't gotten you killed.

That's a hard track record to argue with.

While we may consciously forget this issue is on the table, unconsciously and subconsciously that factor is there. These scripts arise from a time when species survival was on the line. We're talking survival or extinction. This was a reality of human existence for millions of years. Being social primates, the group is an essential element of species survival.

And not only species, but individual survival too. A lone individual had a snowball's chance; predation, including from other human groups, was de rigueur.  Only by banding together could individuals hope to survive.

This brings about an important shift in thinking. In these circumstances, the individual is expendable as long as the 'group' survives.

This is what is so hard for the modern person to understand. Under these conditions, the individual being less important than the group is not an ideological stance, it's everyone's survival.

This statement often brings up images of corporate raiders and employee abuses, however, there is a more realistic and understandable version. A family survives hundreds of years by individuals taking over 'roles' within that group. A child becomes a teen, a teen becomes an adult, then a parent, then a grandparent. Over hundreds of years, individuals will be born into this family, assume different roles and eventually die. That is group survival. And it is the group that allows for the individual to survive.

But also understand, when we're talking about 'species survival,' any particular group is also expendable.  This is why the more groups there are, the better the species chances of survival. Somebody is going to get through, it doesn't matter who. Individual groups can be wiped out, scattered or die off and others will carry on. Although people might feel emotionally uncomfortable applying natural selection to humans, there it is.

Those are the conditions the scripts were developed to function under. In order for everybody to survive, the group must survive.  But this is a two way street, if the group fell apart, everyone was dead -- including the people who destroyed it.

This is why modern definitions of 'benefit' miss the point. Back when these conflict scripts were developed, benefit and success weren't measured by comfort or gain, but by a far harsher standard. Back then 'dysfunctional' meant everyone in the group died.

One can take this concept of group survival and point out it's why we should all get together and sing "Kumbaya" Here's the wrench in that theory though: In a group, conflict is going to happen.

It especially is going to happen because the same drives that we used for millions of years to keep from getting eaten, to feed ourselves, fight, mate and survive against external dangers can be turned on others within our group.

This is where the development of scripts becomes critical. Conflict scripts allow us to engage in conflict with those inside of our group WITHOUT weakening or destroying the group.

These scripts are not necessarily fair, balanced or even nice. They do, however, reinforce 'roles,' status and group protocols.

Remember, these scripts come from a time where death and extinction were an option. Back then, you were stuck with a group. You couldn't just quit your job, or move to another town or find another social group. If you left the tribe, you died. If the group exiled you, you died.

Do those standards apply today? No. But the social primate scripts remain and influence our behavior.

We're going to change tracks here and show another way these social scripts influence our behavior within the group. And in doing so we'll show how apparent selfishness still benefits the group. Our perceived roles, the urge to establish our place, our self-esteem, our need to establish relationships and our fears and primitive urges to protect these ... ALL are using these scripts.

What we fail to realize is that even though we feel these are 'about us,' they are in fact, very much about the group. If you stop and look, you'll see that ALL of those urges are within the context of a group dynamic.

Even your self-esteem is strongly based on how you think other people see you. Stop and think about that, you think it's about you, but it's actually arising from an external source. When you look at it from this standpoint you'll see how much bad behavior arises for improving or protecting one's perceived status. No group, no status, no self-esteem.

That's where these social scripts come in

It doesn't matter where on the planet you were born. It doesn't matter what culture, ethnic background or socioeconomic level you come from. These patterns/scripts exist. They are not cultural, they are human. What changes about these scripts is how they do them locally. While the strategies are the same, the tactics are wildly different all around the world.  While the overall scripts are human, we learn the details of how they are played in the culture, economic level and family that we are born into.

Since you're reading this on a computer, we can say something else has changed. That is the environment we'll find ourselves using these scripts. We're not going to be wearing furs, in a cave, screaming, jumping up and down and banging clubs on the ground to show how big and dangerous we are. But, whether we are in suits and in a boardroom, in a correctional setting or even in our own home, the dynamics of conflict would be recognizable to our caveman ancestors.

The reason this is important is that modern civilization gives us something our ancestors didn't have ... the ability for an individual to easily walk away and find a new group. While this might seem like a boon, it is actually a double edged sword.

Simply stated, the old system had built in checks and balances. First, if an individual became too abusive or domineering, the tribe would abandon him -- or kill him outright. Either way with excessive abuse, the group would protect itself by ridding itself of the toxic person. Another check and balance is pushing too hard.  Facing certain death if exiled, someone an antisocial person was trying to push out would turn on the anti-social out of desperation -- resulting in critical injury to the toxic person. Remember for millions of years, social dynamics was a contact sport.

For those living in modern Westernized countries, gone are the days where your physical survival depends on the protection of a particular group. Instead of fighting to stay within a group, most people will simply leave and find another group. Under these circumstances, a toxic person will embed him or herself in a group or organization and chase away others.  Such a person will often fly low enough to avoid detection from his or her superiors, but will the the source of high employee turn over. Finding a new job isn't easy. While there are exceptions, when most people quit, someone in your company has really motivated them to do so. Against a toxic person, it's easier for these people to leave than it is to fight to stay.

Unless it has become personal, in which case, you have a war on your hands. A war that can destroy the group and organization.

As a side note and something to consider, groups aren't necessarily destroyed by in-fighting, but by crossing a threshold. What often causes failure and destruction of a group, is that the infighting has become more important than providing the group members what they need. When that happens, those not involved with the power struggle abandon ship. What is left is not a group, but a hollow husk that collapses in on itself.

This is another reason we say scripts aren't necessarily for your benefit. These scripts will preserve toxic, dysfunctional group dynamics just as well as they do effective ones. Often more so because we're no longer operating under the primitive standards of 'dysfunctional' means you're all dead in the morning.

But, as far as our individual monkey brains are concerned, an emotionally toxic group dynamic is still 'succeeding.' And if left unchecked can continue until the break down threshold is reached and the group implodes.

It's the human parts of our brains that recognize something is drastically wrong with what is going on. But until we know about these 'monkey dance' scripts, we won't be able to understand how to break out of these patterns and focus on fixing the actual problem.

This was a basic introduction to the fact that you are dealing with millions of years of momentum. These scripts are embedded in the human psyche. Knowing this we ask you: Who do you want to be running your business, conducting your affairs and guiding your social interactions, a conscious and thinking you or a fearful and reactive monkey? Because you have both of those inside of you.