The Monkey Is IN The Building:
Recognizing what the fight is about
Marc MacYoung

"Elvis has left the building!" is a term used to indicate, in some sense, that someone has exited. It might be used as a commentary about someone making a dramatic exit to lighten the mood for everyone forced to endure the trauma drama. It can be used to imply someone has gone over the edge of sanity or made an irrational decision. And there also is the implication the situation is either over or all but over. You can use it as an exclamation of glee over getting out of a bad situation. But no matter how you use the phrase, it implies someone or something isn't there anymore.

I like to turn this around and point out when something IS present. Something we may not have noticed entering into the dynamics of the situation. Or, just as commonly, something we wish to deny is present.

That's why I will say: The Monkey is in the building (or the 'Monkey is driving the bus'). I use this term to indicate the dynamics of the conflict have shifted from fixing the problem to something else. More specifically, it's not about the problem anymore, but about the monkey brain scripts, agendas, emotions and ego.

In other words, 'it' has become personal. When it becomes personal, someone has fallen into the monkey trap. And that someone might be you. When the monkey is in the room, the dynamics of the situation have shifted away from the issue at hand and have become about 'winning' on a totally different level.

The problem with monkey brain 'wins' is that, while they protect our status, pride and self-esteem, they do nothing to fix the original issue that degenerated into a fight. So the problem is still there, as is the desire of the 'loser' to regain loss of face.

Before we can recognize when the monkey is in the building, we need to remember that conflict scripts aren't about solving the problem. They're about maintaining the group dynamic. And by doing so, keeping the group together. If you think about this, it makes sense. We aren't talking about 'dysfunctional' in terms of hurt feelings, life-long insecurities and resentments. We're talking about a time where, if the group fell apart, you all died. For millions of years species survival was based in keeping the group together. This is why we so easily fall into these unconscious patterns -- they are built into the human brain.

This tribal mindset lies deep in our subconscious. It is the us and them when it comes to those we deem inside or outside our tribe. But what about those inside our tribe? It is they we are most likely to end up fighting. This us and them protocol also establishes 'where we fit within the tribe,' the rules we feel those in our tribe must abide by, how we expect to be treated and our self-identity.

Those are most of what we actually are fighting over, not the issue at hand. Once you realize this, you can start to take control of a dispute and bring it back to the solving the problem -- instead getting sucked into these monkey brain agendas.

There are easily recognizable signs that the monkey is in the building. Learn to recognize these signals and behaviors in others and, more importantly, within yourself.

Using the word "you" a lot
Using the word "I" just as much
Not listening (instead preparing what you're going to say next)
Sense of not being respected
Taking it personally
Desire to 'even the score'
Territoriality                    
Excusing your or your group's bad behavior or mistakes
Minimizing other's feelings                       
Dismissing or minimizing facts
Minimizing other's opinions                     
Escalation
Need to be 'right'                                   
Sense of immediacy (it has to be fixed NOW!)
Absolute/Black and white thinking (especially regarding potential solutions)
There is only ONE 'right' answer (and it has to be done NOW!)
Fear                                                      
Feeling you can't back down
Hurt feelings
A desire to punish                                 
"Freight Train Thinking" (bringing in other issues)                                    
Criticism, Not Complaints

The last two take some explaining and are closely linked. Freight train thinking is when, in someone's mind, issues unrelated to the subject are connected and brought into the quarrel.

Often these are subjects that are vague, accusatory and 'psychic' (for example, claiming that someone is a racist). Such tactics often are a red herring to the issue at hand. In fact, they many times are a delaying tactic and way to sow confusion. In many cases, the person has learned to use this tactic as a subtle threat or to elicit an emotional response or trepidation. (For example: What if the person lodges a complaint with HR or sues?) Other times, freight train thinking is an excuse to work oneself up to committing physical violence.

The monkey brain loves freight train thinking. When you see it, it is a solid indicator that the human brain's logic has been hijacked by the emotional monkey brain. Specifically the human brain is being used to back-engineer and rationalize what the monkey has already decided. (see Dr. Drew Westen's The Political Brain and Goleman's Emotional Intelligence).

The second issue is the difference between a complaint and a criticism. A complaint is bringing up a legitimate issue that can be addressed and resolved. (E.g., "You're standing on my foot.") A criticism is a condemnation of the person and cannot be immediately resolved, if it can be fixed at all. (E.g., "You always hurt me! You're so insensitive!") While a complaint is a communication about an issue, a criticism is an attack.

Complaints are often followed by criticisms, and this can make it difficult to distinguish between them. It also is why people can be hypersensitive about admitting to mistakes or errors. When they hear a complaint, they automatically assume a criticism (and punishment) will immediately follow.

So what should you do when you see the monkey has entered the room?

There are two fundamental issues about dealing with the monkey. The first is assuaging the other person's monkey. Or if that is too big a step for you, then at least soothing the other monkey's fears and showing you are not attacking nor intent on dominating or punishing it. (In another article, we'll talk about the conflict cycle and all the built-in 'off-ramps' to resolve the clash.) Often a dispute will not be resolved -- and in fact will continue to escalate -- unless these monkey brain issues are addressed. Then, and only then, can the actual problem be dealt with. That basically means -- until the monkey issues are dealt with -- you aren't even arguing over the problem, but something else.

In a later article we'll discuss tactics you can use to sooth the other person's monkey and return to the problem at hand. But the important point for now is knowing this must be addressed before the conflict can be resolved.

The second issues is you need to recognize when your monkey brain is engaged. That doesn't just mean recognizing when you're becoming emotional, but when you're fighting for something other than what you tell yourself.

This is actually harder than it sounds because emotions happen faster than conscious thought. We have an emotion, and it is instantly reflected in our body language, micro expressions, word choice and tone. And those can -- and often do -- trigger the other person's monkey brain reactions. So now, instead of one angry monkey, you have two.

This is why we say "de-escalate yourself first."