No reflection on your sex life, but every night you go to bed with a human, a monkey and a lizard.

These are gross oversimplifications of the parts of your brain. Basically, your rational ‘Human Brain’ is your neo-cortex. Your social/emotional/troupe ‘Monkey Brain’ is your limbic system. Your survival/autonomic functioning ‘Lizard Brain’ is your hind brain. Each of these is necessary for human survival. They've been doing a great job for millions of years in a world filled with things trying to eat us.

We have survived these conditions by being social primates. Being in a group and relying on each other is intrinsic to our psychology. That brings us to our Monkey Brain. Our social behavior and concerns are the realm of the Monkey Brain. This especially means both the cause of conflict and our behavior during such clashes. In the simplest of terms, the Lizard Brain handles physical danger, the Monkey Brain handles social and emotional 'threats.'

Which, unless you've been chased by a sabertooth tiger lately, is the majority of what you're going to be dealing with. So relax, the 'danger' is isn't real -- despite what your Monkey is screaming at you.

Basically, when you are emotional and in an argument (or fight), the Monkey Brain takes over. In this state, the limbic system guides your actions, feelings, words and even your perception of 'reality.' Your brain is bathed in different chemicals and rational thought is impaired. (Think of a stoned Monkey driving the bus and you're not far off.)

Here's a bit of a newsflash: As much as you might think the fight is about you, it's about group dynamics, functionality and staying together. Mostly what you are fighting for is how things are going to be done around here.

This applies no matter how selfish, altruistic or cooperative the participants' goals are. In order for a group to survive there must be standards, rules, hierarchy, a division of labor and resources and roles. How these are addressed, who is doing what and is in what role is less important than these issues are addressed.

That's what your Monkey is concerned about and that is what it will be fighting for when it's driving the bus. Your emotions, pride and your Monkey's 'psychic ability' (to know exactly what the other Monkey meant by that -- remember 'perceived reality') are all distractions to keep you from seeing this larger, underlying social primate agenda.

Many people are afraid of conflict. Personally, I put a greater emphasis on the results. By this I mean both the result of engaging in conflict and the result of not doing so. And, yes, both have results. The reason I emphasize results is because those are the consequences with which you have to live.

This especially applies to any unacceptable results coming from not standing up for yourself − because you tell yourself you’re afraid of conflict.

But wait, doing the ‘right thing’ and avoiding conflict shouldn’t have negative consequences! Marc, what’s wrong with you for saying that? Everyone knows conflict is bad! Look at the results! Meetings with the HR (human resources) department or boss at work, filing for divorce, filling out forms for a new place to live because you split up, a new job application, filling out incident reports for later use in court, being arrested, going to trial, being in sued in civil court.

All of these are the results we supposedly fear from conflict. The truth is, if conflict is mismanaged and allowed to escalate out of control, these can be the results.

But is that always true? Does each and every conflict end up there?

No, and we know that.

At least our Human Brain does.

Much of what we claim ‘we fear’ is actually excuses. And those excuses hide our real fears -- and motivations -- from us.

Such fears are subconscious, primal, irrational and − if we’re honest with ourselves − pretty stupid and selfish. Fears we want to pretend we’re too good to have while they are directing our behavior.

What are these fears? Fear of humiliation, shame, losing status or hurt pride. Fear of how we will look to others and imaginary consequences. In short, Monkey Brain fears.

These fears come from very primitive parts of our brains. Parts we are not normally conscious of or aware how strongly they direct our behavior. These fears seize control and plunge us into discord faster than we can think.

But what’s most interesting is how − at the same time they put us into dispute – they increase our loathing of conflict.

I mean, if we don’t fight, we’ll be humiliated. If we do fight, we risk losing and being disgraced even more.

In short, we’re hitting both the gas and the brake. Unfortunately, we’re often a little slow on the brake, and the gas pedal wins. When that happens, we find ourselves deep in clashes often before we know what’s happening.

In modern society, we’ve been conditioned to believe conflict is bad. The result of this is we don’t know how to behave in disputes anymore. This ignorance is hurting us.

First, we aren’t taught the ‘rules of conflict’ or why we need to follow them.

Second, we’ve lost the knowledge how to safely engage in disputes.

Third, because we aren’t taught how to cope with conflict, we’re more likely to be traumatized by it. (Then this trauma is pointed to as proof of how 'bad' conflict is.)

Fourth, our ‘civilized’ fears of discord allow us to be bullied and intimidated by those who know how to turn our fears against us.

Not a winning strategy, that.

So how do you manage conflict to get the best results?

We can start by knowing the conflict cycle. Then it all becomes a lot less scary. This is ‘scripted’ behavior that is oriented on the Monkey’s agenda of keeping the troupe together and functioning. (It’s a caveman thing). Remember, it is a squabble over how the group is going to run. That’s what you’re fighting for.

Even better, once you understand the cycle, you’ll be far better at ensuring any ‘results’ of conflict are positive.

Basically, a conflict inside a group can be understood as "Bang! Bang! Kiss, kiss."

Starting at the bottom go up, clockwise. There everyone is just tootling along, and everything is fine. Well, along comes a problem. Instead of staying in our Human Brain and actually fixing the problem, the Monkey Brain hijacks the issue and makes it about our status, how someone treats us, our little duck feelings getting hurt, our self-esteem or this person’s lack of respect toward us.

In short, we personalize the problem. Once we do that, we’re in our Monkey Brain and following its agenda.

From the moment we personalize it, we are no longer trying to fix the actual problem, we are on monkey scripts. To be more specific, we’re fighting over how the group is going to be run.

Stop and think about that. It’s both important and – no matter how much you think it’s about you – it’s really about group dynamics. Try to think of a conflict you were in with someone that wasn’t about those elements. (Go ahead, I dare you.)

The next step is that things heat up. Depending on how you’re socialized, this stage could be yelling, screaming, waving your arms around and even threatening to hit someone. Or it could be as subtle as your boss asking, “Do you like working here?” No matter how it’s done, both parties are sending messages of “don’t mess with me! See how serious I am about this?”

Then comes the tipping point. Now this could be as simple as you getting a visit from the ‘Angel of Duh!’ and realizing this issue isn’t worth taking any farther. There are many ways this happens. The most obvious is you don’t want the situation to go physical. In more extreme cases, it could be someone knocking you on your ass with a left hook. And you thinking, “I think he’s a little more committed about this than I am.”

No matter how you get to the ‘tipping point,’ it’s you deciding you don’t want things to get worse.

When I ask, “Where do you think things are most likely to go wrong with this process?” most people answer on the upswing (Bang Bang part). The truth is, most things get wonky on the part we’re now heading into (Kiss Kiss).

The use of the term ‘submission/dominance signal’ can rub people the wrong way. Well, tough. If we’re talking about

• an issue between you and your boss (and you want to stay employed),
• if it’s between you and a cop (and you don’t want to get arrested),
• if it’s between you and a 250-pound biker (and you don’t want to get your ass kicked) or
• if it’s between you and a teacher, etc., etc., …

then dominance/submission are the proper terms.

If it’s between you and your spouse, okay, it’s a slightly different dynamic. Same goes between you and your friends and other people you care about. But often, it really is about ‘do it this way or else’ – even with your kids.

The dominance/submission stage is easier to understand if we talk about it as: Throwing up your hands and saying, “Alright, we’ll do it that way!” It’s actually demonstrates you are no longer interested in taking the conflict to a higher level. It signals you are now more interested in moving into the conflict resolution stage.

This is different than the tipping point because a decision made is not the same as a decision communicated. This stage is about communication. This is a subtle, but important, distinction. Because, as much as the Monkey believes it’s psychic, it’s not. You do have to communicate.

Another key element at this stage is the ‘dominant’ showing it is safe for you to back down. In fact, think of it as a deal he’s offering. Again, communication.

This stage and the next are where most situations go horribly wrong, but we’ll get to that in a bit. Let’s keep on following the cycle to its conclusion first.

Now comes a critical juncture, ‘acceptance.’ Both of those signals have been sent. But they have to be recognized, received and accepted. In short, the terms and conditions have to be agreed upon.

Why is this important? Because they show that the conflict is functionally over. There is going to be no more attacking one another, no more arguing and – most important – that it is safe to quit for both parties.

Reconciliation is the real Kiss Kiss part. Because up until then, we’ve been negotiating. Reconciliation is where both parties must make gestures to show no hard feelings. More specifically, they both demonstrate that they’re still a group.

Not doing this will leave the fight as unfinished business, and things will light up again. This is where many 'bad' bosses fall down with conflict management, but other people fail too.

Another subcategory of the reconciliation stage is determining how the original problem will be dealt with. This, even if it means the status quo remains the same.

Only then do things return to functional, and the group carries on.

I mentioned earlier that most people screw up in the back half of the cycle. There are a lot of ways. Often one mistake leads to another, and everyone heats up again. Remember emotions are contagious, so too are mistakes.

First off, did you know that most violence comes with instructions on how to avoid it?

It’s true. So does most trouble incidentally, but it’s easier to see this dynamic I’m talking about through the extreme of violence. For example, when someone tells you to “shut up or I am going to kick your ass,” he is not, I repeat NOT, asking for you to mention his sexual practices with his mother.

But your Monkey Brain -- deeply involved in threat displays and fixated on ‘winning’ -- will tell you ignoring the instructions is the ‘right thing’ to do. That excited, psychic  Monkey has a hard time following any directions except its own. It’s not going to let that other monkey tell it what to do! Shut up? HA! I’ll show him by mentioning his testicles on his mother’s chin!

Then it will blame the other person for becoming more aggressive. In case you haven’t guessed, the Monkey is real good at self-justifying its bad behavior. But it’s even better at stirring things up and then bailing out on you -- leaving you to deal with the negative results. Keep that in mind next time you’re thinking about mentioning someone’s mother during a fracas or getting in that last dig.

When it comes to avoiding violence, you really need to start listening, instead of letting your Monkey tell you that you HAVE to do the direct opposite. The Monkey not only makes us deaf, but goads us on out of emotion, pride, anger, revenge and the insidious desire to ‘win.’

That’s really the big problem.

Just because you’ve passed the tipping point (where you’ve decided you don’t want to keep escalating up to violence), doesn’t mean your Monkey has given up.

Read that again, it's that important.

If you have an overwhelming urge to ‘win,’ that’s your Monkey. It will keep your mouth going aggressively long after you should be on the resolution part of the cycle. And that’s where the back end of the cycle often goes sideways.

It’s important here to mention something else. Of all human behavior that can elicit negative responses, betrayal will get you punished the worst. Keep that in mind. Because when you break this cycle, the kneejerk response by most people is to consider it betrayal.

When someone is offering you the opportunity to safely back off from a battle, he or she is taking a chance.

By sending the submission signal, you indicate you aren’t willing to take it physical. Realistically, what you are saying is you won’t 'attack' any more. They, in turn, ease off the throttle, too. Think of this as lowering their guard in the name of peace, a sign of trust. That's the chance they're taking. In the process, they’re saying they’ll stop attacking, too.

If you sucker punch them, it’s a betrayal.

It’s easier to understand this behavior in physical terms, but it happens verbally and emotionally all the time. Someone just has to get that last zing in to ‘even the score.’ It not only hurts and is a betrayal, but your attack will cause the situation to explode again.

That same Monkey, who got you into the conflict, can make it much worse for you if you allow it to keep going after the tipping point. If, after you decide you aren’t willing to go physical (tipping point), but still verbally attack during the cool down phase, it will be seen – by the other person’s Monkey -- as a betrayal.

And, rightfully so, it will be treated as such.

In what should be the calm down, reconciliation stage, some people ‘need’ to get the last word, throw a final insult, voice a parting shot, get in those snide, contemptuous and sniping comments or – in a less obvious example – still justify ‘why they were right in what they did.’

ALL of these indicate the Monkey is still driving the bus. That person is not only violating the conflict cycle, but his Monkey is still on the fight.

Worse, they are telling the other person’s Monkey that the issue isn’t settled and that they will be a problem in the future. That’s because a pissed off Monkey is an untrustworthy Monkey. This fight isn’t over, and it will come back at you again. Is it any wonder this kind of behavior elicits such a negative and extreme response?

Like I said, it’s easier to explain this in terms of physical violence, but it also applies to work and relationships. It is knowing when to tell your Monkey to back off before you get fired or do irreparable damage to your relationship. More than that, it's being able to actually do it

Most people think it’s the fear of punishment that keeps them from backing down. There’s some validity to that. The truth is there are lots of people who don’t know how to ‘win’ graciously. Such people break the rules of the conflict cycle by demanding punishment and penance from those who have dared challenge them.

The people who fear punishment the most are the ones who are most likely to make it a self-fulfilling prophecy.

This comes back to the betrayal issue. Realistically, it wasn’t until that last dig they had to throw in to ‘even the score’ that the other Monkey decided to punish them.

In the thousands of conflicts I’ve been involved in and witnessed, overwhelmingly this betrayal of the script is what provokes retribution. Someone taking your submission as a green light to punish is more the minority. Someone sending a submission signal and then betraying the cycle with a last dig to ‘even the score’ is far, far more common.

I should also tell you about a common misunderstanding during this process.

That is the perception if the dominant starts huffing and puffing about having been challenged he’s going to try to punish you. It looks like he might attack again, but odds are he won’t. Think of a gorilla beating his chest and making a lot of noise to prove what a stud he is. Also, don’t be confused by the gender reference, women do this chest beating, too.

There will usually be some chest thumping by the dominant. Mostly it’s a matter of style. Some are loud and obvious, others aren’t

Having said that, there’s a fine line between chest thumping and being overly aggressive. And it is a line a lot of inexperienced people cross.

If you have someone, who is already concerned about punishment for having dared to challenge you, and you get all big, bad and threatening, they have no reason to back off. It’s not safe for them to do so. If they feel threatened by too big a dominance display, they’ll go on the attack again. This is another way things can light up again.

The back end of the conflict cycle is a delicate process. And delicate process and pissed off Monkeys don’t really make a winning combination. It takes a mature person to take control of his or her Monkey and guide the cycle to completion. This includes knowing when to ignore little mistakes, like snide comments (meant to sooth that person’s bruised ego), and ham handed, verbal dominance displays. When the process is correctly guided, the conflict is resolved and everyone is happy.

I’d like to point out another way things can go wrong. I have a saying: If there are seven stages to a conflict, a bad boss only does five of them.

Reconciliation is important because -- if you don’t complete the cycle with make up gestures and communication that things are alright between you – discord will begin anew. And it usually will be with more vengeance and outrage because someone violated the cycle and betrayed you. You don’t slap away the hand that is offering the peace laurel.

Even chimpanzees, after a fight, will bring each other gifts, groom each other and comfort one another to show that everything is okay. But many people, who apparently aren’t smarter than chimps, will insist on pride, continued outrage and the belief that it is the OTHER Monkey who was in the wrong. It’s up to the other monkey to make up with them (read grovel)

This is a great way to lose friends, lose jobs, estrange yourself from family and, of course, get divorced. Those nasty ‘results’ kind of things.

There is one more thing I have to mention. There’s a lot of confusion about this cycle in the modern world. We’ve been taught that conflict is taboo. In fact, it’s to this century what sex was to the 1950s – NICE people don’t talk about it or admit they do it.

We’re social primates, so, like sex, conflict is part of life. Like it or not, we’re going to have disputes with those people in our lives as we hash out the group dynamics. You can use these guidelines to become better at handling conflict and less fearful about it.

Or you can keep on letting your Monkey dig you deeper and deeper into conflict and have to face the consequences. If you really want things to get ugly, don’t follow this pattern, especially at work, in your relationships or with your family.

Who do you want controlling your life, you or your Monkey?

Marc MacYoung and Rory Miller are the cofounders of Conflict Communications (www.conflictcommunications.com)

©2011 Marc MacYoung All rights reserved