Active listening involves skills taught to and attitudes developed by officers and counselors, but these elements work for everybody. It’s good stuff -- I’ll go so far as to say that actively listening is THE key element in talking down mentally ill and emotionally disturbed people. It’s also good for keeping your wife happy and staying current with your kids’ activities. It makes you better at your job, a better husband or wife, and a better parent and friend. There is no down side to being a good listener.

So why do so few people, even trained people, use this skill?

Ego. I am more important than you. What I have to say is more important than what you have to say. “I am here to solve the problem, and you aren’t. So shut up and let me solve the problem.” Or, “You’re going to yammer on about your problems. Kid, you don’t know what problems are. Let me tell you …”

That’s natural. Someone close to you gets hurt, you feel sympathy. But only when you get hurt do you feel pain. The words in your own head seem so much more important than the words buzzing through the air.

You have to get over that.

Communication is all about information. If you ignore information because of your ego, there is no communication You must listen to understand the problem and find options. You need tools to be sure you understand. That’s active listening.

The Skills of Active Listening

The primary skill in active listening is to pay attention. The mind works faster than the mouth. Commonly, when someone speaks to you, you jump ahead to the end of the statement and start formulating your response. That means you really only have listened to the first words. The first skill to develop is really just a habit, the habit of listening with full attention to everything the other person says. No jumping ahead, no thinking about your own clever response.

It is okay to take a few seconds and reflect before responding. Most people perceive it as a compliment, evidence that their words had impact.

There is a lot of information in even a simple statement. Hear the words, but look at the body language and listen to the tone, as well. It is all information, and information is communication.

You don’t need to be an expert on body language or reading micro-expressions. Merely acknowledge what you see: “You look a little tense. Does this subject bother you?” Observing and asking about emotions is affirming, proof that you are paying attention and caring. It also is a piece of the feedback skill.

Feedback, sometimes called reflecting or paraphrasing, is how you check your perceptions. Communication is not 100 percent clear, accurate or complete. If I say ‘rock,’ you may think of a boulder or a pebble, a piece of gravel or a diamond … or music.

Feedback is the closest thing to a technique in active listening. Basically, in your own words, you repeat what you have heard. If it is word for word, it will sound stilted and gimmicky. People will recognize it as a technique and feel they are being played.

Your perception, in your words. It’s easy, really:

 “Oh my god did you really say …?”

“Wait, wait, wait. You’re telling me Preston actually …”

 “Let me get this straight. North on Wilson Avenue, then left at the light …”

Feedback is not just affirming for the other person. It also gives a chance to clarify, to explain, to go deeper … and it will point out if you missed something. Again, like much of active listening, there is no down side.

Listening is intelligence gathering. Listening is the most important part, but the second part is to get the other person talking. Usually, that’s easy. Most people love to talk, especially about themselves. And they love to be listened to, to be the center of attention.

Encouraging noises like, “Uh huh,” and “Go on,” help. More skill goes into asking questions. A closed question invites a yes or no answer (it can be a conversation killer):

 “Did you see Carole last night?”

An open-ended question invites a story:

 “What happened last night.”

 You can tack an open-ended question onto feedback:

 “You’re telling me the mechanic tried to rip you off? What happened when you called him on it?”